The high-level version
On the answer that's accurate and not true.
I pride myself on being real and human.
Knowing when that's too much is the part I still second-guess.
I bumped into a former colleague a little while ago.
We worked together about a decade back and had a good rapport, the kind that included conversations on topics outside work. Mutual respect, genuine warmth, and then one of us changed jobs and it fell away, the way these things do.
Seeing them was a real pleasure, and I was glad for the chance meeting. We said g’day, did a low-key high five, and stopped on the spot to catch up.
I asked about them first. How the family was, what work looked like now. They gave me the good stuff, open in the way people are in a catch-up, and then turned the questions back to me.
I started with work, which was easy, and there were good things to report. Then it moved outside work, and I pulled my punch. I gave the high-level version covering who’s doing what, where everyone’s up to. All accurate, but none of it the actual answer.
The honest answer is that some family things have been hard for a while, they’re still hard now, and they weigh on me most days.
I made that call to hold back in about a second. This was a warm reconnection standing on a footpath, and I didn’t want to bring the heavy thing into it in case it was too much for them.
Ten years ago, if the topic had come up at work, I’d have opened up a little, with a real answer.
I’m still not sure I got it right.
Nothing I said was false, which is the thing about the high-level version. It passes every test we usually apply to honesty. It’s accurate, it’s polite, it answers the question that was asked, but it also leaves the other person with a completely wrong picture of the year.
Mostly, I think it was the right call. A few minutes on a footpath doesn’t hold much. Something ten years old and warm is also a little fragile, and getting a little deep in conversation before the other person has had a chance to work out whether they want it or not is a lot to ask of a chance meeting.
We did say we’d organise something soon, and maybe that’s where it can come up. A second catch-up, a couple of months after an incidental first one, has more room for it.
Part of me though, thinks I underestimated them. They were open with me. Not about anything hard, as far as I know, though I didn’t ask a second question either. I took the good stuff and gave the good stuff back, and we both walked away with a nice feeling and no real-level insight.
If I’m honest, I can always find a reason not to be as open as I think would be meaningful. The setting is wrong, the timing is wrong, they’ve got enough on. Every one of those sounds like consideration, and some of them are. But that also keeps people slightly distant, and doesn’t give them the opportunity to offer an ear or support.
I pride myself on being real and human. It’s one of the few things I’d put my hand up and say I’m reasonably good at. Knowing when that’s too much for the moment is the part I still second-guess.
That colleague and I haven’t organised the second catch-up yet. It doesn’t need to be much, as we enjoyed hanging out when we worked together. A chat over a coffee, with time around it, might allow the harder part to come up on its own.
Whether I’d say it then is a different question.
Three things to try.
1. Notice the holding back as you do it.
When the high-level answer comes out, note what got left out.
No obligation to say it, but just become aware.
2. Ask what the moment can hold, rather than what the person can.
Most of the time we decide the other person doesn’t want it, when perhaps it’s the situation rather than them. Those are different reasons, and only one of them is about them.
3. Turn ‘we should organise something’ into a scheduled thing.
When a chance meeting ends that way, send the message the same week and put a time on it. Don’t let time slip away again if it’s someone whose company you enjoy.
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